Aug 15, 2008

The future we might deserve

This would be President McCain's foreign policy timetable:

21 Jan 2009: Recognize independent Chechnya. Call Putin "Poo-Poo" and Medvedev "Merde".
22 Jan 2009: Recognize independent Tibet. Call Hu Jintao a gook.
23 Jan 2009, morning: Recognize independent Ukraine. Call Nancy Pelosi a bitch.
23 Jan 2009, afternoon: Remember that Ukraine has been independent since 1991. Blame the bitch for forgetting earlier.
24 Jan 2009: Vow to defend Chechnya and Tibet. Note that "Tibet" sounds like "you bet" and "Chechnya" sounds funny. As does "Poo-Poo".
25 Jan 2009: Go to church and look presidential. Smile a lot.
26 Jan 2009, morning: Speak about the need to send troops to Czechoslovakia and Timor, the nations we recognized last week. Wish the Chinese a happy new year and try to avoid saying "Gook".
26 Jan 2009, afternoon: Have all the tapes of the morning speech edited to hide his gaffes. When asked about it, tell reporters to fuck off. Call Connie Chung a gook.
27 Jan 2009: Recognize independent Utopia. Look very presidential.
28 Jan 2009: Recognize independent Texas. Look very experienced.
29 Jan 2009: Blame Phil Gramm for the "terrible misunderstanding" the day before. As punishment, appoint him ambassador to France.
30 Jan 2009: Visit the troops leaving for the Chechnyan border. Tell a soldier "Maybe you'll be like me one day."
31 Jan 2009: Complain that we are behind schedule in bombing Iran.
01 Feb 2009: Watch Super Bowl XLIII. Bomb Iran if the wrong team wins. If a foreign leader interrupts, bomb his country. Unless it is Putin; don't bomb his country, just tell him to fuck off.
02 Feb 2009: Give the State of the Union Address. Refuse to recognize the Super Bowl result. Tell an ape joke.
03 Feb 2009: Deny having told the ape joke. Deny refusing to recognize the SB result. Deny having given the State of the Union address.
06 Feb 2009: Wish Ronald Reagan a happy birthday. Call Vladimir Putin and say "I fart in your general direction!"
07 Feb 2009: Say "I don't recall wishing Ronald Reagan a happy birthday."
11 Feb 2009: Say that nuking Moscow and Beijing might avert a global warming crisis.
12 Feb 2009: Deny having said there was a global warming crisis.
14 Feb 2009: Call his wife a cunt.

No comments: