Preview of future Investors' Business Daily editorials

Stephen Hawking is a tough act to follow, but they may try some of the following:

Mikhail Gorbachev wouldn't have had a chance in the USSR; if he had tried his reforms there, he would have been sent to the Gulag.

If LBJ had ever been elected President in his own right, maybe he would have had some credibility for the policies he pushed.

The Beatles would never had become famous if they had tried to compose their own songs; they probably had no creative talent at all.

If New Yorkers ever experienced a terrorist attack, they wouldn't be such unpatriotic latte-sipping liberals.

If Mark Twain had ever traveled to the Mississippi river, he wouldn't have written such unrealistic nonsense about it and the people living around it.

If Martin Luther King, Jr. had grown up in the South, he'd never had gotten the education to become a minister.

If Charles Darwin had seen the Galapagos islands, he would have realized that only the Almighty God could have designed the beaks of all those finches.

(P.S. IBD has now "corrected" the editorial. That's futile; such idiocy is incorrigible and eternal.)

Absurdly Strained Neutral POV

Brendan Nyhan wrote a ridiculous post, and it's ridiculous right from the title:

Liberals go soft on Sykes's Limbaugh "jokes"

Putting "jokes" in quotes implies that they aren't really jokes, and the rest of the title implies that they deserved being gone hard on, whatever that means. Such a title is not a good sign that the body of the post will be well thought out.

there's no avoiding the fact that what comedian Wanda Sykes said about Rush Limbaugh at the White House Correspondents Association dinner was loathsome

Fact? Loathsome?? Give me a break! Humor can only be loathsome when it mocks or humiliates the weak and powerless. The way Brendan describes it, one would think that Rush Limbaugh is a rape victim or a mentally retarded person - those would be likely targets of loathsome jokes - and not the man whose words make the most powerful Republican politicians soil their pants if they let slip a less-than-flattering opinion of him.

Adopting the language of GOP attacks on dissent since 9/11, Sykes equates Limbaugh's political speech with treason and compares him to a terrorist.

Um, no, Brendan, she satirizes him, making him the target of words paraphrasing his own. I don't think you'd get a good grade in an English class if you didn't recognize what was going on. That she is a comedian and was speaking as one at an event that was supposed to be comedic might be a hint, too.

Like many conservative talk show hosts, she also uses aggressive language expressing a desire for a political opponent to be physically harmed -- specifically for Limbaugh's kidneys to fail and for him to be waterboarded. This echoes the practice of many conservative hosts who make "jokes" about waterboarding liberals.

That's a patently fallacious comparison: those conservative talk show hosts were not joking when they said it, or at least I am not aware of any theory of humor that encompasses their statements. They were trash-talking or bullying, which a lot of people evidently confuse with joking, but I would hope that a PhD in political science wouldn't be among them. There is no discernible intent of irony, surprising incongruence, absurd, or exposing the target's hypocrisy in waterbording "threats" that come out of mouths of babes like Limbaughs and O'Reillys. They are just expressing aggression. By contrast, Sykes was obviously applying standard satirical forms. She "echoed" her targets' words, all right, but that's a standard tool of her trade. But Brendan is implying that the echoed words are morally equivalent to the originals. That is just absurd.

What's striking is how liberals -- who were frequently outraged about accusations of treason during the Bush years -- have sought to downplay Sykes's comments.

Wow! It is striking that people understand the difference between earnest accusations and jokes! Or between bullying and satire! How remarkable! Oh, wait... isn't it more striking that a professional analyst of political communication cannot tell the difference?

Of course, as Media Matters and Tapped's Adam Serwer pointed out, Limbaugh makes similarly offensive "jokes" on his show attacking dissent and comparing liberals to terrorists. And yes, he is far more powerful and influential than Sykes. But if it's wrong when Limbaugh does it, then it's wrong when Sykes does it too.

It would be if they were doing the same thing, but Brendan's pox on both their houses is logically similar to stating that if it is wrong to kill for material gain, then it's wrong to kill in self-defense. The fallacy is in asserting (without support and contrary to evidence) that two superficially similar acts are the same.

The hypocrisy here is staggering (especially in the Media Matters case).

The idiocy of Brendan's post is the only staggering phenomenon here. But it gets worse:

Imagine that a conservative comedian had accused Keith Olbermann of treason at the WHCA dinner back in 2004 and said he should be waterboarded. Would liberals have minimized the comments as "jokes" and catalogued all the offensive things Olbermann has said on his show? I don't think so.

That is extremely stupid, and Matt Yglesias aptly calls Brendan's bullshit:

But these aren’t symmetrical cases. Jokes advocating that conservative proponents of waterboarding should be subjected to waterboarding make a real political point, namely that this practice the right dismisses as “dunking” is, in fact, horrifying torture. The point of the joke is that this would be clear enough to Limbaugh if it was done to him. A comparable case, I guess, is if a conservative comedian were to say “if Keith Olbermann likes higher taxes on the wealthy so much, then he should have to pay higher income taxes, too!” But I don’t think Olbermann or his fans would find that particularly stinging since I take it he already understands the basic implications of Obama’s tax policies.

Brendan noted and quoted that, and had a chance to graciously say "Touché!" - but instead he just dug himself deeper:

First of all, it's not clear that Sykes was making a point about Limbaugh's support for waterboarding -- if that was her intent, she didn't make it especially obvious. The more general point was calling for physical harm to Limbaugh, which was quite clear

I can't believe this was written by the same guy whom I put on my blogroll. Last time I checked his blog, he had a brain. Where and when did he lose it?

Oh, by the way, Brendan didn't criticize the artistic value of Sykes' jokes anywhere in his post, so that issue is irrelevant to the discussion. But to prevent attacks on straw men, l'll say that I found the quoted jokes lame; however, my arguments do not depend on the artistic value of the jokes at all.

Why didn't he steal this?

Why didn't McCain steal Randy Newman's "Rednecks" as his campaign song?

Good satire and lame satire

I disagree with Crooks and Liars' assessment of the SNL spoof of Keith Olberman. If the "Special Comment" had been the entire skit, it would have been great. Affleck got the angry Olbermann's voice and mannerism perfectly, and the absurd topic of the comment works well because it caricatures the fact that KO's Special Comments all look and sound very similar regardless of what he is talking about. But the rest of the skit didn't work, for two reasons. First, Affleck is not at all convincing as Olbermann in a "normal" mood. Second, and more important, the writing is poor. Reader RayC explains it perfectly in the comments:

In order for a good satire to be the most effective to me you need to take a bit of truth and stretch it to the breaking point. That "truth" is false so the bit fails. I think they missed on this one. The "truth" they seem to be lampooning is that Keith is outraged over trivial matters and cuts guests off before they can disagree. I have never seen him do either one of these things.

Now lame jokes are nothing unusual, so in itself it is not a big deal. But the ending proves that the writers know how to write a funny skit, so why did they fail in the first half? The most likely reason - pointed out in lilybelle's comment - is also the most worrisome:

It felt scripted so that some NBC exec could say "See, we criticize liberals too." If such false equivalence is the only motivation for a skit, bad comedy ensues.

If your goal is to make a lot of friends, perhaps satire is the wrong line of work for you.

We're rednecks, we're rednecks, and we're keepin' the n*****s down

How did Buchanan, Will and Limbaugh not think of this:

Of course! Colin Powell is a secret Muslim. Those Jamaicans, they are all Muslims. Look at the name of the Olympic champion in 100 meters dash: Usain Bolt. That's like Hussein. I bet Colin Powell's middle name is Muhammad!

And those Jamaicans who are not Muslim are pot-smoking Ethiopians. Ergo, Colin Powell is a secret pot-smoking Muslim Ethiopian! Of course he is for Obama!

(Next: Is Christopher Buckley secretly the black child William F. Buckley fathered out of wedlock?)

But... but... he's a war hero!

Israeli police is obviously anti-Israel:

Israeli Police Suggest Indicting Olmert

There will be no such disrespect for Israel and war heroes when John McCain is President! He will bomb the Israeli police until it stops attacking Israel and its heroes.

The future we might deserve

This would be President McCain's foreign policy timetable:

21 Jan 2009: Recognize independent Chechnya. Call Putin "Poo-Poo" and Medvedev "Merde".
22 Jan 2009: Recognize independent Tibet. Call Hu Jintao a gook.
23 Jan 2009, morning: Recognize independent Ukraine. Call Nancy Pelosi a bitch.
23 Jan 2009, afternoon: Remember that Ukraine has been independent since 1991. Blame the bitch for forgetting earlier.
24 Jan 2009: Vow to defend Chechnya and Tibet. Note that "Tibet" sounds like "you bet" and "Chechnya" sounds funny. As does "Poo-Poo".
25 Jan 2009: Go to church and look presidential. Smile a lot.
26 Jan 2009, morning: Speak about the need to send troops to Czechoslovakia and Timor, the nations we recognized last week. Wish the Chinese a happy new year and try to avoid saying "Gook".
26 Jan 2009, afternoon: Have all the tapes of the morning speech edited to hide his gaffes. When asked about it, tell reporters to fuck off. Call Connie Chung a gook.
27 Jan 2009: Recognize independent Utopia. Look very presidential.
28 Jan 2009: Recognize independent Texas. Look very experienced.
29 Jan 2009: Blame Phil Gramm for the "terrible misunderstanding" the day before. As punishment, appoint him ambassador to France.
30 Jan 2009: Visit the troops leaving for the Chechnyan border. Tell a soldier "Maybe you'll be like me one day."
31 Jan 2009: Complain that we are behind schedule in bombing Iran.
01 Feb 2009: Watch Super Bowl XLIII. Bomb Iran if the wrong team wins. If a foreign leader interrupts, bomb his country. Unless it is Putin; don't bomb his country, just tell him to fuck off.
02 Feb 2009: Give the State of the Union Address. Refuse to recognize the Super Bowl result. Tell an ape joke.
03 Feb 2009: Deny having told the ape joke. Deny refusing to recognize the SB result. Deny having given the State of the Union address.
06 Feb 2009: Wish Ronald Reagan a happy birthday. Call Vladimir Putin and say "I fart in your general direction!"
07 Feb 2009: Say "I don't recall wishing Ronald Reagan a happy birthday."
11 Feb 2009: Say that nuking Moscow and Beijing might avert a global warming crisis.
12 Feb 2009: Deny having said there was a global warming crisis.
14 Feb 2009: Call his wife a cunt.

What the "Celeb" ad really says

Wondering WTF that McCain's ad was about? Confused by talking heads discussing who "played the race card"? I am starting a new service for my readers: subliminal-to-abominable translation. What used to be between the lines is now clearly spelled out, line by line. Watch the enhanced "Celeb" ad:

That's why he doesn't wear a button!

Jesus' General made my day and built my barn.

And "Amish" is just another word for "gangsta". Just ask Weird Al.

What Is... Election?

Apparently, John McCain has one thing in common with Yours Truly: he was a Jeopardy! champion. I didn't know that when I noted the coincidence of Ahmadinejad gaffes and I wish he paralleled the show not just in errors, but also in getting things right 99% of the time. But I repeat myself... Anyway, when the 43-year old news came out, a friend of mine suggested (or should I say sujested) that

Hillary is kicking herself for not suggesting a winner-take-all J! game between herself, Obama, and McCain

I thought such a game might go something like this:

Hillary: I'll take Fashion for $200, Alex.
Alex Trebek: Ken Starr obtained a bodily-fluid-stained blue dress which had belonged to this woman... Hillary?
Hillary: [expletive] [female canine] [more expletives]
Alex: Sorry, "[expletive] [female canine] [more expletives]" is incorrect. John?
John: [female canine], hee hee. That was an excellent question!
Alex: Sorry, you are not in South Carolina. Behave yourself. Barack?
Barack: Let me say that I respect John McCain's service to this country...
Alex: OK, you said it and your time is up. Hillary, select again.
Hillary: Let's go to Rhymes with "Cheating" for $200, you sexist jerk.
Alex: Give "five" to this banker of S&L infamy... John?
John: I'm gonna break your [expletive] neck, you mother[expletive]...
Alex: I think the judges are signaling this is not quite right...
John: Damn activist judges! I'll appeal to Alito, he'll say I'm right!
Alex: Barack?
Barack: Let me say that I deeply respect John McCain's military record...
Alex: Can we leave that for the interview? Hillary?
Hillary: Thank you. It is obvious that I am so far ahead that I can't lose this game. I can take a nap, wake up and still say who is Charles Kea...
Alex: Sorry, your time is up. But you select again.
Hillary: Let's go to Biblical Prophets for $1000, just to show you how much I value my faith.
John and Barack (shouting at the same time): Meeee tooooo!
Alex: He was "Wright" when he lamented and warned that Bablyonians would conquer Jerusalem... John?
John (singing absently): Bomb bomb bomb, bomb Babylon...
Alex: Not bad for an old guy, but dead wrong. I see Barack is trying to ring in, but Hillary beat him to it.
Hillary: I don't know, I just wanted to say that the next time Babylonians get to Jerusalem, you need me to pick up the phone at 3 AM.
Alex: When I call someone at 3 AM, I don't think of anyone like you. OK, Barack, you gonna say something finally?
Barack: I reject the premise of this question. He wasn't right at all. I mean, who the hell is this Jeremiah to think he can spew such nonsense...
Alex: That is correct! "Who... is... Jeremiah" is correct. That brings you up to $600 and first place. Hillary and John both have negative 1400, and we'll have to say goodbye to them. So you will be alone in Final Jeopardy to deal with this category: Unfortunate Middle Names. Clue in a moment.

Mate in the Morning

McCain thinking about running mates:

"I'd like to get it done as early as possible. I'm aware of enhanced importance of this issue given my age," said the Arizona senator, 71.

Sounds like he is writing a will. "I bequeath my presidency to..."

Interviewed by radio talk show host Don Imus, McCain did not offer any details of his search for a running mate.

Asked if it will be a "nappy-headed ho", McCain said "No... probably not... she said she wasn't interested."

Jimmy F****** Carter! The Onion Outdoes Itself!

Maybe I am permanently stuck at the age 13, but this is really funny.

I should start writing this fucking blog again...