Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Aug 14, 2009
Aug 12, 2009
Preview of future Investors' Business Daily editorials
Stephen Hawking is a tough act to follow, but they may try some of the following:
Mikhail Gorbachev wouldn't have had a chance in the USSR; if he had tried his reforms there, he would have been sent to the Gulag.
If LBJ had ever been elected President in his own right, maybe he would have had some credibility for the policies he pushed.
The Beatles would never had become famous if they had tried to compose their own songs; they probably had no creative talent at all.
If New Yorkers ever experienced a terrorist attack, they wouldn't be such unpatriotic latte-sipping liberals.
If Mark Twain had ever traveled to the Mississippi river, he wouldn't have written such unrealistic nonsense about it and the people living around it.
If Martin Luther King, Jr. had grown up in the South, he'd never had gotten the education to become a minister.
If Charles Darwin had seen the Galapagos islands, he would have realized that only the Almighty God could have designed the beaks of all those finches.
(P.S. IBD has now "corrected" the editorial. That's futile; such idiocy is incorrigible and eternal.)
Mikhail Gorbachev wouldn't have had a chance in the USSR; if he had tried his reforms there, he would have been sent to the Gulag.
If LBJ had ever been elected President in his own right, maybe he would have had some credibility for the policies he pushed.
The Beatles would never had become famous if they had tried to compose their own songs; they probably had no creative talent at all.
If New Yorkers ever experienced a terrorist attack, they wouldn't be such unpatriotic latte-sipping liberals.
If Mark Twain had ever traveled to the Mississippi river, he wouldn't have written such unrealistic nonsense about it and the people living around it.
If Martin Luther King, Jr. had grown up in the South, he'd never had gotten the education to become a minister.
If Charles Darwin had seen the Galapagos islands, he would have realized that only the Almighty God could have designed the beaks of all those finches.
(P.S. IBD has now "corrected" the editorial. That's futile; such idiocy is incorrigible and eternal.)
May 12, 2009
Absurdly Strained Neutral POV
Brendan Nyhan wrote a ridiculous post, and it's ridiculous right from the title:
Putting "jokes" in quotes implies that they aren't really jokes, and the rest of the title implies that they deserved being gone hard on, whatever that means. Such a title is not a good sign that the body of the post will be well thought out.
Fact? Loathsome?? Give me a break! Humor can only be loathsome when it mocks or humiliates the weak and powerless. The way Brendan describes it, one would think that Rush Limbaugh is a rape victim or a mentally retarded person - those would be likely targets of loathsome jokes - and not the man whose words make the most powerful Republican politicians soil their pants if they let slip a less-than-flattering opinion of him.
Um, no, Brendan, she satirizes him, making him the target of words paraphrasing his own. I don't think you'd get a good grade in an English class if you didn't recognize what was going on. That she is a comedian and was speaking as one at an event that was supposed to be comedic might be a hint, too.
That's a patently fallacious comparison: those conservative talk show hosts were not joking when they said it, or at least I am not aware of any theory of humor that encompasses their statements. They were trash-talking or bullying, which a lot of people evidently confuse with joking, but I would hope that a PhD in political science wouldn't be among them. There is no discernible intent of irony, surprising incongruence, absurd, or exposing the target's hypocrisy in waterbording "threats" that come out of mouths of babes like Limbaughs and O'Reillys. They are just expressing aggression. By contrast, Sykes was obviously applying standard satirical forms. She "echoed" her targets' words, all right, but that's a standard tool of her trade. But Brendan is implying that the echoed words are morally equivalent to the originals. That is just absurd.
Wow! It is striking that people understand the difference between earnest accusations and jokes! Or between bullying and satire! How remarkable! Oh, wait... isn't it more striking that a professional analyst of political communication cannot tell the difference?
It would be if they were doing the same thing, but Brendan's pox on both their houses is logically similar to stating that if it is wrong to kill for material gain, then it's wrong to kill in self-defense. The fallacy is in asserting (without support and contrary to evidence) that two superficially similar acts are the same.
The idiocy of Brendan's post is the only staggering phenomenon here. But it gets worse:
That is extremely stupid, and Matt Yglesias aptly calls Brendan's bullshit:
Brendan noted and quoted that, and had a chance to graciously say "Touché!" - but instead he just dug himself deeper:
I can't believe this was written by the same guy whom I put on my blogroll. Last time I checked his blog, he had a brain. Where and when did he lose it?
Oh, by the way, Brendan didn't criticize the artistic value of Sykes' jokes anywhere in his post, so that issue is irrelevant to the discussion. But to prevent attacks on straw men, l'll say that I found the quoted jokes lame; however, my arguments do not depend on the artistic value of the jokes at all.
Liberals go soft on Sykes's Limbaugh "jokes"
Putting "jokes" in quotes implies that they aren't really jokes, and the rest of the title implies that they deserved being gone hard on, whatever that means. Such a title is not a good sign that the body of the post will be well thought out.
there's no avoiding the fact that what comedian Wanda Sykes said about Rush Limbaugh at the White House Correspondents Association dinner was loathsome
Fact? Loathsome?? Give me a break! Humor can only be loathsome when it mocks or humiliates the weak and powerless. The way Brendan describes it, one would think that Rush Limbaugh is a rape victim or a mentally retarded person - those would be likely targets of loathsome jokes - and not the man whose words make the most powerful Republican politicians soil their pants if they let slip a less-than-flattering opinion of him.
Adopting the language of GOP attacks on dissent since 9/11, Sykes equates Limbaugh's political speech with treason and compares him to a terrorist.
Um, no, Brendan, she satirizes him, making him the target of words paraphrasing his own. I don't think you'd get a good grade in an English class if you didn't recognize what was going on. That she is a comedian and was speaking as one at an event that was supposed to be comedic might be a hint, too.
Like many conservative talk show hosts, she also uses aggressive language expressing a desire for a political opponent to be physically harmed -- specifically for Limbaugh's kidneys to fail and for him to be waterboarded. This echoes the practice of many conservative hosts who make "jokes" about waterboarding liberals.
That's a patently fallacious comparison: those conservative talk show hosts were not joking when they said it, or at least I am not aware of any theory of humor that encompasses their statements. They were trash-talking or bullying, which a lot of people evidently confuse with joking, but I would hope that a PhD in political science wouldn't be among them. There is no discernible intent of irony, surprising incongruence, absurd, or exposing the target's hypocrisy in waterbording "threats" that come out of mouths of babes like Limbaughs and O'Reillys. They are just expressing aggression. By contrast, Sykes was obviously applying standard satirical forms. She "echoed" her targets' words, all right, but that's a standard tool of her trade. But Brendan is implying that the echoed words are morally equivalent to the originals. That is just absurd.
What's striking is how liberals -- who were frequently outraged about accusations of treason during the Bush years -- have sought to downplay Sykes's comments.
Wow! It is striking that people understand the difference between earnest accusations and jokes! Or between bullying and satire! How remarkable! Oh, wait... isn't it more striking that a professional analyst of political communication cannot tell the difference?
Of course, as Media Matters and Tapped's Adam Serwer pointed out, Limbaugh makes similarly offensive "jokes" on his show attacking dissent and comparing liberals to terrorists. And yes, he is far more powerful and influential than Sykes. But if it's wrong when Limbaugh does it, then it's wrong when Sykes does it too.
It would be if they were doing the same thing, but Brendan's pox on both their houses is logically similar to stating that if it is wrong to kill for material gain, then it's wrong to kill in self-defense. The fallacy is in asserting (without support and contrary to evidence) that two superficially similar acts are the same.
The hypocrisy here is staggering (especially in the Media Matters case).
The idiocy of Brendan's post is the only staggering phenomenon here. But it gets worse:
Imagine that a conservative comedian had accused Keith Olbermann of treason at the WHCA dinner back in 2004 and said he should be waterboarded. Would liberals have minimized the comments as "jokes" and catalogued all the offensive things Olbermann has said on his show? I don't think so.
That is extremely stupid, and Matt Yglesias aptly calls Brendan's bullshit:
But these aren’t symmetrical cases. Jokes advocating that conservative proponents of waterboarding should be subjected to waterboarding make a real political point, namely that this practice the right dismisses as “dunking” is, in fact, horrifying torture. The point of the joke is that this would be clear enough to Limbaugh if it was done to him. A comparable case, I guess, is if a conservative comedian were to say “if Keith Olbermann likes higher taxes on the wealthy so much, then he should have to pay higher income taxes, too!” But I don’t think Olbermann or his fans would find that particularly stinging since I take it he already understands the basic implications of Obama’s tax policies.
Brendan noted and quoted that, and had a chance to graciously say "Touché!" - but instead he just dug himself deeper:
First of all, it's not clear that Sykes was making a point about Limbaugh's support for waterboarding -- if that was her intent, she didn't make it especially obvious. The more general point was calling for physical harm to Limbaugh, which was quite clear
I can't believe this was written by the same guy whom I put on my blogroll. Last time I checked his blog, he had a brain. Where and when did he lose it?
Oh, by the way, Brendan didn't criticize the artistic value of Sykes' jokes anywhere in his post, so that issue is irrelevant to the discussion. But to prevent attacks on straw men, l'll say that I found the quoted jokes lame; however, my arguments do not depend on the artistic value of the jokes at all.
Nov 10, 2008
Deep penetrating thought
If khram didn't mean "church" or "temple" in Russian, I'd wonder if Borat's faux Kazakh word for penis was inspired by Rahm Emanuel.
Nov 7, 2008
BREAKING: President-elect Obama arrested by the Grammar Police
Obama in today's press conference:
Besides the felony of using "I" as a direct object, the president-elect has also been charged with stylistic misdemeanors of using unnecessary and awkward passive voice where "We are grateful for the invitation" would sound better and have a clearer meaning, and saying "between myself and the president" where "between the president and me" would be the minimally acceptable improvement, but we should expect no less than a complete rephrasing, such as "...I'm going to have a substantive conversation with the president."
The "tour of the White House" jab has been noted as evidence of good character, possibly mitigating the charges.
Well, President Bush graciously invited Michelle and I to -- to meet with him and First Lady Laura Bush. We are gratified by the invitation. I'm sure that, in addition to taking a tour of the White House, there's going to be a substantive conversation between myself and the president.This is the kind of grammar up with which I will not put. (Yes, I know the irony of this paraphrase. It's intentional. Snarky responses are preempted.) I expect my president to speak English better than I, an immigrant from a country most Americans can't find on a map.
Besides the felony of using "I" as a direct object, the president-elect has also been charged with stylistic misdemeanors of using unnecessary and awkward passive voice where "We are grateful for the invitation" would sound better and have a clearer meaning, and saying "between myself and the president" where "between the president and me" would be the minimally acceptable improvement, but we should expect no less than a complete rephrasing, such as "...I'm going to have a substantive conversation with the president."
The "tour of the White House" jab has been noted as evidence of good character, possibly mitigating the charges.
Oct 22, 2008
Who is Maverick?
From Online Etymology Dictionary:
Also note that the original Maverick was born 205 years ago.
maverickNegligent in branding his cattle? Not knowing whom he picks and what they do? Has to say "Oops!" and "I screwed up" a lot? It's beginning to make sense now...
1867, "calf or yearling found without an owner's brand," in allusion to Samuel A. Maverick (1803-70), Texas cattle owner who was negligent in branding his calves. Sense of "individualist, unconventional person" is first recorded 1886, via notion of "masterless."
Also note that the original Maverick was born 205 years ago.
Oct 15, 2008
Barack Obama stole my puppy
Barack Obama Stole My Puppy is a great new blog dedicated to collecting "personal stories of real Americans (from small towns, not those big city cesspools) of encounters with the Democratic nominee for president". How well do we really know how horrible Barack Obama is?
I thought of leaving my story in a comment, but this is a meme worth spreading, so I'll write here and I hope that at least one of the three people reading this blog will write about their own experience, and this will spread like a chain letter and soon everybody will see what a spammer Barack Obama is.
So please write your own personal stories, just don't forget to credit Barack Obama Stole My Puppy with the monstrous mutation that created this meme.
And here is my horrible, terrible, no good, bad story:
Barack Obama Made a Potty Mouth of Me
One awful day when I was the tender young age of seven and Barack Obama was a mean thirteen, we were traveling on a bus together. How we got to travel together, I don't recall. Either he threw my Mom and Dad under the bus or he ate them; the events I will describe left me so traumatized that I don't know who my parents were. And I think Barack Obama erased my memory, just so I would never remember the time I was better off than I am now.
Anyway, I was a little nervous so I was kicking the seat in front of me, when an old man who was sitting in it turned around and said "Get off my back, you bratty little fucker!" Imagine a seven-year old small town boy being exposed to those words - and Barack Obama didn't cover my ears!
A few minutes later, I was watching the young woman next to the old man playing with the old man's hair. I asked Barack Obama why the mean old man's daughter was petting his head, and he told me he thought she was his wife. I looked at him and asked, "You mean, they have sex and make babies together?" And Barack Obama said "Yeah, I think so." Eeeeygghhh! Yuck! I felt I had been exposed to a pedophile, and Barack Obama didn't even put his hand over my eyes!
Then the woman told the mean old man that his hair was thinning out, and he started yelling. He roared: "At least I don't plaster on makeup like a trollop, cunt!" Everybody in the bus turned and looked at them, which means also at us, as we were sitting right behind them. That made me nervous; I knew I had just heard something I wasn't supposed to hear. So I asked Barack Obama what a "trollop" was, and he said, smirking, "Hey, you should ask about 'cunt' first!" Can you imagine!? "Cunt first!" Until that day I was a good small-town boy who went to church and target practice every Sunday, and now I was suddenly forced to grow up and become a prisoner of sin and blasphemy - and all because of Barack Obama!
I have been a prisoner of Wicked And Revolting language - a prisoner of WAR, for short - all my life, and I am so wretched that I can't get up in the morning or go to sleep without swearing at somebody. It was Barack Obama who traumatized me so, when I was just seven, that I will never get that awful phrase "Cunt first!" out of my head. And now Barack Obama made it worse because he is running for President, and that other guy who is also running for President - see how Barack Obama influences people, they want to immitate him and do the same bad things he does - yeah, that other guy, he keeps saying something that sounds like "Cunt first!" all the time, and he looks like the mean old man on the bus, and I can't escape from the prison of turpitude in which Barack Obama locked me up that awful day when I was the tender young age of seven.
I thought of leaving my story in a comment, but this is a meme worth spreading, so I'll write here and I hope that at least one of the three people reading this blog will write about their own experience, and this will spread like a chain letter and soon everybody will see what a spammer Barack Obama is.
So please write your own personal stories, just don't forget to credit Barack Obama Stole My Puppy with the monstrous mutation that created this meme.
And here is my horrible, terrible, no good, bad story:
Barack Obama Made a Potty Mouth of Me
One awful day when I was the tender young age of seven and Barack Obama was a mean thirteen, we were traveling on a bus together. How we got to travel together, I don't recall. Either he threw my Mom and Dad under the bus or he ate them; the events I will describe left me so traumatized that I don't know who my parents were. And I think Barack Obama erased my memory, just so I would never remember the time I was better off than I am now.
Anyway, I was a little nervous so I was kicking the seat in front of me, when an old man who was sitting in it turned around and said "Get off my back, you bratty little fucker!" Imagine a seven-year old small town boy being exposed to those words - and Barack Obama didn't cover my ears!
A few minutes later, I was watching the young woman next to the old man playing with the old man's hair. I asked Barack Obama why the mean old man's daughter was petting his head, and he told me he thought she was his wife. I looked at him and asked, "You mean, they have sex and make babies together?" And Barack Obama said "Yeah, I think so." Eeeeygghhh! Yuck! I felt I had been exposed to a pedophile, and Barack Obama didn't even put his hand over my eyes!
Then the woman told the mean old man that his hair was thinning out, and he started yelling. He roared: "At least I don't plaster on makeup like a trollop, cunt!" Everybody in the bus turned and looked at them, which means also at us, as we were sitting right behind them. That made me nervous; I knew I had just heard something I wasn't supposed to hear. So I asked Barack Obama what a "trollop" was, and he said, smirking, "Hey, you should ask about 'cunt' first!" Can you imagine!? "Cunt first!" Until that day I was a good small-town boy who went to church and target practice every Sunday, and now I was suddenly forced to grow up and become a prisoner of sin and blasphemy - and all because of Barack Obama!
I have been a prisoner of Wicked And Revolting language - a prisoner of WAR, for short - all my life, and I am so wretched that I can't get up in the morning or go to sleep without swearing at somebody. It was Barack Obama who traumatized me so, when I was just seven, that I will never get that awful phrase "Cunt first!" out of my head. And now Barack Obama made it worse because he is running for President, and that other guy who is also running for President - see how Barack Obama influences people, they want to immitate him and do the same bad things he does - yeah, that other guy, he keeps saying something that sounds like "Cunt first!" all the time, and he looks like the mean old man on the bus, and I can't escape from the prison of turpitude in which Barack Obama locked me up that awful day when I was the tender young age of seven.
Sep 1, 2008
Aug 15, 2008
The future we might deserve
This would be President McCain's foreign policy timetable:
21 Jan 2009: Recognize independent Chechnya. Call Putin "Poo-Poo" and Medvedev "Merde".
22 Jan 2009: Recognize independent Tibet. Call Hu Jintao a gook.
23 Jan 2009, morning: Recognize independent Ukraine. Call Nancy Pelosi a bitch.
23 Jan 2009, afternoon: Remember that Ukraine has been independent since 1991. Blame the bitch for forgetting earlier.
24 Jan 2009: Vow to defend Chechnya and Tibet. Note that "Tibet" sounds like "you bet" and "Chechnya" sounds funny. As does "Poo-Poo".
25 Jan 2009: Go to church and look presidential. Smile a lot.
26 Jan 2009, morning: Speak about the need to send troops to Czechoslovakia and Timor, the nations we recognized last week. Wish the Chinese a happy new year and try to avoid saying "Gook".
26 Jan 2009, afternoon: Have all the tapes of the morning speech edited to hide his gaffes. When asked about it, tell reporters to fuck off. Call Connie Chung a gook.
27 Jan 2009: Recognize independent Utopia. Look very presidential.
28 Jan 2009: Recognize independent Texas. Look very experienced.
29 Jan 2009: Blame Phil Gramm for the "terrible misunderstanding" the day before. As punishment, appoint him ambassador to France.
30 Jan 2009: Visit the troops leaving for the Chechnyan border. Tell a soldier "Maybe you'll be like me one day."
31 Jan 2009: Complain that we are behind schedule in bombing Iran.
01 Feb 2009: Watch Super Bowl XLIII. Bomb Iran if the wrong team wins. If a foreign leader interrupts, bomb his country. Unless it is Putin; don't bomb his country, just tell him to fuck off.
02 Feb 2009: Give the State of the Union Address. Refuse to recognize the Super Bowl result. Tell an ape joke.
03 Feb 2009: Deny having told the ape joke. Deny refusing to recognize the SB result. Deny having given the State of the Union address.
06 Feb 2009: Wish Ronald Reagan a happy birthday. Call Vladimir Putin and say "I fart in your general direction!"
07 Feb 2009: Say "I don't recall wishing Ronald Reagan a happy birthday."
11 Feb 2009: Say that nuking Moscow and Beijing might avert a global warming crisis.
12 Feb 2009: Deny having said there was a global warming crisis.
14 Feb 2009: Call his wife a cunt.
21 Jan 2009: Recognize independent Chechnya. Call Putin "Poo-Poo" and Medvedev "Merde".
22 Jan 2009: Recognize independent Tibet. Call Hu Jintao a gook.
23 Jan 2009, morning: Recognize independent Ukraine. Call Nancy Pelosi a bitch.
23 Jan 2009, afternoon: Remember that Ukraine has been independent since 1991. Blame the bitch for forgetting earlier.
24 Jan 2009: Vow to defend Chechnya and Tibet. Note that "Tibet" sounds like "you bet" and "Chechnya" sounds funny. As does "Poo-Poo".
25 Jan 2009: Go to church and look presidential. Smile a lot.
26 Jan 2009, morning: Speak about the need to send troops to Czechoslovakia and Timor, the nations we recognized last week. Wish the Chinese a happy new year and try to avoid saying "Gook".
26 Jan 2009, afternoon: Have all the tapes of the morning speech edited to hide his gaffes. When asked about it, tell reporters to fuck off. Call Connie Chung a gook.
27 Jan 2009: Recognize independent Utopia. Look very presidential.
28 Jan 2009: Recognize independent Texas. Look very experienced.
29 Jan 2009: Blame Phil Gramm for the "terrible misunderstanding" the day before. As punishment, appoint him ambassador to France.
30 Jan 2009: Visit the troops leaving for the Chechnyan border. Tell a soldier "Maybe you'll be like me one day."
31 Jan 2009: Complain that we are behind schedule in bombing Iran.
01 Feb 2009: Watch Super Bowl XLIII. Bomb Iran if the wrong team wins. If a foreign leader interrupts, bomb his country. Unless it is Putin; don't bomb his country, just tell him to fuck off.
02 Feb 2009: Give the State of the Union Address. Refuse to recognize the Super Bowl result. Tell an ape joke.
03 Feb 2009: Deny having told the ape joke. Deny refusing to recognize the SB result. Deny having given the State of the Union address.
06 Feb 2009: Wish Ronald Reagan a happy birthday. Call Vladimir Putin and say "I fart in your general direction!"
07 Feb 2009: Say "I don't recall wishing Ronald Reagan a happy birthday."
11 Feb 2009: Say that nuking Moscow and Beijing might avert a global warming crisis.
12 Feb 2009: Deny having said there was a global warming crisis.
14 Feb 2009: Call his wife a cunt.
Aug 2, 2008
What the "Celeb" ad really says
Wondering WTF that McCain's ad was about? Confused by talking heads discussing who "played the race card"? I am starting a new service for my readers: subliminal-to-abominable translation. What used to be between the lines is now clearly spelled out, line by line. Watch the enhanced "Celeb" ad:
Jul 25, 2008
Better than watching a stoning
Yesterday I went to a performance of Eric Idle's Not the Messiah (He's a Very Naughty Boy). Highly recommended, but if you are a Monty Python fan, of course you already know that, and if you are not, you probably stopped reading after the first sentence. It seems eerily appropriate that I had this religious experience on the same day I learned of Pontius "PZ" Myers' nailing of the cracker-man-God to a very dead tree splattered with ink.
But I worry... What if PZ made a mistake and crucified the wrong cracker, one that's the Body of Brian? I don't care if Brian was a very naughty boy, but hasn't he had enough painful deaths already? Wouldn't it render PZ's sacrilege, like, pointless? Wouldn't it invite death threats from theJudean People's Front People's Front of Judea? Was it irresponsible of PZ not to think of such unintended consequences? (On the bright side, PZ would then be known as Biggus Dickus.)
But I worry... What if PZ made a mistake and crucified the wrong cracker, one that's the Body of Brian? I don't care if Brian was a very naughty boy, but hasn't he had enough painful deaths already? Wouldn't it render PZ's sacrilege, like, pointless? Wouldn't it invite death threats from the
Jul 18, 2008
McImus for President?
OK, people, here is the pronouncement from the Politically Incorrect Gods.
The Chelsea Clinton joke was actually funny. Tasteless, rude, and crude, but funny. And "Bomb Iran" would have been funny, too, with a little better delivery. Those are fine jokes to tell your close friends while smoking pot. They just aren't something you should be telling in public as a candidate for political office.
On the other hand, the marvelous ape "joke" isn't even a joke; it's a splattering of vomit. If he really said that, it might have been more considerate of him to just puke on the audience.
The Gods have spoken.
The Chelsea Clinton joke was actually funny. Tasteless, rude, and crude, but funny. And "Bomb Iran" would have been funny, too, with a little better delivery. Those are fine jokes to tell your close friends while smoking pot. They just aren't something you should be telling in public as a candidate for political office.
On the other hand, the marvelous ape "joke" isn't even a joke; it's a splattering of vomit. If he really said that, it might have been more considerate of him to just puke on the audience.
The Gods have spoken.
Jul 16, 2008
What Is... Election?
Apparently, John McCain has one thing in common with Yours Truly: he was a Jeopardy! champion. I didn't know that when I noted the coincidence of Ahmadinejad gaffes and I wish he paralleled the show not just in errors, but also in getting things right 99% of the time. But I repeat myself... Anyway, when the 43-year old news came out, a friend of mine suggested (or should I say sujested) that
Hillary is kicking herself for not suggesting a winner-take-all J! game between herself, Obama, and McCain
I thought such a game might go something like this:
Hillary: I'll take Fashion for $200, Alex.
Alex Trebek: Ken Starr obtained a bodily-fluid-stained blue dress which had belonged to this woman... Hillary?
Hillary: [expletive] [female canine] [more expletives]
Alex: Sorry, "[expletive] [female canine] [more expletives]" is incorrect. John?
John: [female canine], hee hee. That was an excellent question!
Alex: Sorry, you are not in South Carolina. Behave yourself. Barack?
Barack: Let me say that I respect John McCain's service to this country...
Alex: OK, you said it and your time is up. Hillary, select again.
Hillary: Let's go to Rhymes with "Cheating" for $200, you sexist jerk.
Alex: Give "five" to this banker of S&L infamy... John?
John: I'm gonna break your [expletive] neck, you mother[expletive]...
Alex: I think the judges are signaling this is not quite right...
John: Damn activist judges! I'll appeal to Alito, he'll say I'm right!
Alex: Barack?
Barack: Let me say that I deeply respect John McCain's military record...
Alex: Can we leave that for the interview? Hillary?
Hillary: Thank you. It is obvious that I am so far ahead that I can't lose this game. I can take a nap, wake up and still say who is Charles Kea...
Alex: Sorry, your time is up. But you select again.
Hillary: Let's go to Biblical Prophets for $1000, just to show you how much I value my faith.
John and Barack (shouting at the same time): Meeee tooooo!
Alex: He was "Wright" when he lamented and warned that Bablyonians would conquer Jerusalem... John?
John (singing absently): Bomb bomb bomb, bomb Babylon...
Alex: Not bad for an old guy, but dead wrong. I see Barack is trying to ring in, but Hillary beat him to it.
Hillary: I don't know, I just wanted to say that the next time Babylonians get to Jerusalem, you need me to pick up the phone at 3 AM.
Alex: When I call someone at 3 AM, I don't think of anyone like you. OK, Barack, you gonna say something finally?
Barack: I reject the premise of this question. He wasn't right at all. I mean, who the hell is this Jeremiah to think he can spew such nonsense...
Alex: That is correct! "Who... is... Jeremiah" is correct. That brings you up to $600 and first place. Hillary and John both have negative 1400, and we'll have to say goodbye to them. So you will be alone in Final Jeopardy to deal with this category: Unfortunate Middle Names. Clue in a moment.
We've Become a Nation of Whino Comedians
Hard times are ahead: humorists and comedians are complaining that Obama is not buffoonish enough, so they can't come up with any funny jokes about him. Either that, or their audiences are too liberal:
When Mr. Stewart on “The Daily Show” recently tried to joke about Mr. Obama changing his position on campaign financing, for instance, he met with such obvious resistance from the audience, he said, “You know, you’re allowed to laugh at him.” Mr. Stewart said in a telephone interview on Monday, “People have a tendency to react as far as their ideology allows them.”
There is no doubt, several representatives of the late-night shows said, that so far their audiences (and at least some of the shows’ writers) seem to be favorably disposed toward Mr. Obama, to a degree that perhaps leaves them more resistant to jokes about him than those about most previous candidates.
Pathetic. Audiences are "resistant" to jokes. Translated to English: they don't laugh. Why would that be? In old times, before we knew better, we thought people didn't laugh when jokes weren't funny. But now we know it's because they are ideologically resistant. Somebody had better win the Nobel Prize for that discovery.
I've listened to the right-wing rants about "liberal media" for years, but this must be the first time the media complain that their audiences are too liberal. And those liberals just don't appreciate the hard work comedy writers have to do to chisel a joke out of such unfunny stone as Barack Hussein Obama. (Not even his name is funny...)
That's another way in which 8 years of GWB has weakened America: a whole generation of satirists has grown lazy, as the President has provided them with more-or-less finished products daily. And most other recent presidents were funny. Some were boring, but had idiot vice presidents; and in any case, humorists knew how to make jokes about someone being boring. Oh, right, but Obama is not boring, he is perfect, that's the problem...
Oh, really? I think the problem is that most comedians and comedy writers are so enthusiastic about Obama that they become inhibited when they try to joke about him. I can't blame them, I can't imagine how anybody in their right mind would vote for anyone else, but please! If you can't say something funny about the politician you like, find another career! And don't whine, for Phil Gramm's sake!
And what about that cover of theNew Yorker? People who made that are giving all morons a bad name. Of course, they'll say, "Ever heard of the table of contents? Look for it, and you'll find that the title of the ingenious and supremely funny cartoon is "The Politics of Fear". ROTFLMAO! You've got to read the words, son, not just look at the pictures!" To which I say, "Well, guess what. Your goddamn magazine is not sold in dark bags, so that only those who buy it (with proof of maturity) can look at the pictures and perhaps read the articles. If you didn't know, it's there, in plain view of shoppers looking for "People", who will never read your hidden caption."
As of this writing, the New Yorker editors seem convinced that those who don't get the joke or don't find it funny are stupid and irrelevant. I suppose those who didn't get Orson Welles' "War of the Worlds" joke were stupid and irrelevant as well.
May 26, 2008
Harrison Ford Could Be the NRA Spokesman
Not the NRA you think, though.
On May 13, Harrison Ford reached the Social Security Normal Retirement Age (NRA).
His next movie will be Indiana Jones and the Dentures of Methuselah.
On May 13, Harrison Ford reached the Social Security Normal Retirement Age (NRA).
His next movie will be Indiana Jones and the Dentures of Methuselah.
Jan 11, 2008
Jimmy F****** Carter! The Onion Outdoes Itself!
Maybe I am permanently stuck at the age 13, but this is really funny.
I should start writing this fucking blog again...
I should start writing this fucking blog again...
Nov 2, 2007
What's My Image?
PZ Myers infected me with this meme: google for the image that comes up first for your name. And so I did:
Wow, that really could be me. The resemblance is uncanny.
Wow, that really could be me. The resemblance is uncanny.
Oct 12, 2007
Supreme Court Awards Peace Prize To Bush
Washington, October 12 (Laughing Hyena News) In an emergency decision this morning, the Supreme Court awarded the Nobel Peace Prize to George W. Bush.
Writing for the five-justice majority, Justice Antonin Scalia said that the Nobel Committee overstepped its authority when it awarded the Peace Prize to "that fat bastard" Al Gore. "There is no provision in the Constitution that allows some ragtag gang of fucking Vikings to award the prize in a pie-eating contest, let alone the Nobel Peace Prize," the Justice read his opinion at the press conference, admiring every word he wrote. "The original intent of the Peace Prize was to make the dude who invented dynamite sleep better," continued Scalia, "and it is preposterous to assume that such a Nobel goal (chuckle) could be achieved by rewarding a beefy liberal who would use the government to tell cows how much and how often they can belch."
Scalia then explained the Court's own choice of the legally-entitled laureate: "The best way to calm the conscience of the dynamite inventor is to demonstrate how irrelevant dynamite has become." Using his famously sharp logic, Scalia continued, "and the best way to demonstrate that is to show how many more people get blown up by other explosives, not invented by Mr. Nobel. By sending thousands of people to be blown up by plastic explosive, TNT, and other non-dynamite compounds, and with no other discernible purpose but to quell Mr. Nobel's conscience, George W. Bush has accomplished the mission of the Nobel Foundation better than any man in history, with the possible exception of a certain individual, not under our jurisdiction, who may or may not be alive in the mountains of central Asia."
In a concurring opinion, Justice Clarence Thomas wrote: "Strictly speaking, the Nobel Prize may be unconstitutional, because it had not been established by 1789, so there is some question whether it should be awarded at all. But there seems to be no legal way to force all previous recipients to return the prize money."
The Chief Supreme, John "Diana Ross" Roberts, issued another concurring opinion, in which he chided the four dessenters, to whom he wrote "Stop! In the name of love... we should decide unanimously." He and Justice Kennedy, who joined his opinion, then did a tap-dance to show that the Court's decision was just a routine exercise in constitutional interpretation.
Tap-dancing Justice Kennedy also wrote a concurring opinion in which he invoked the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment: "Properly interpreted, it states that no person born in any of the states of the Confederacy can ever get the Peace Prize. Al Gore is thus ineligible because he is from Tennessee." In contrast, George W. Bush is a Connecticut Yankee. Justice Alito joined the opinion.
Justice Souter, one of the dissenters, remarked that Al Gore was, in fact, born in the District of Columbia. Justice Thomas replied, "Come on, Dave, don't nitpick. That's practically in Virginia." Justice Scalia leaned over and whispered something into Justice Souter's ear; it was barely audible, and had to do with a horse's head.
Justice Stevens wrote a very short dissenting opinion, which was joined by Justices Souter, Ginsburg and Breyer. Its full text was, "This is a travesty. I dispair - or, rather, I dissent." Justice Scalia then turned to Justice Kennedy and told him, "That reminds me, have you heard the one about a priest, a pastor, and a transvestite in a bar..."
President Bush said he was surprised by the prize. "They woke me up from my nap to tell me the news. They said, 'you won the No Belle Prize'. I asked them if that was good or bad; it sounded kinda negative. But they said it's good, so I reckon I was pleasurably surprised. I think it's some kinda abstinence thing, but only the poor people in Sweden have to practice abstinence. That's good, 'cause there won't be so many poor people in Sweden."
Al Gore said he was disappointed, but he accepted the Court's decision. "I can always try again," he said, "maybe I'll find a cure for cancer and single-handedly destroy an approaching asteroid. They might consider giving me a consolation prize then."
Writing for the five-justice majority, Justice Antonin Scalia said that the Nobel Committee overstepped its authority when it awarded the Peace Prize to "that fat bastard" Al Gore. "There is no provision in the Constitution that allows some ragtag gang of fucking Vikings to award the prize in a pie-eating contest, let alone the Nobel Peace Prize," the Justice read his opinion at the press conference, admiring every word he wrote. "The original intent of the Peace Prize was to make the dude who invented dynamite sleep better," continued Scalia, "and it is preposterous to assume that such a Nobel goal (chuckle) could be achieved by rewarding a beefy liberal who would use the government to tell cows how much and how often they can belch."
Scalia then explained the Court's own choice of the legally-entitled laureate: "The best way to calm the conscience of the dynamite inventor is to demonstrate how irrelevant dynamite has become." Using his famously sharp logic, Scalia continued, "and the best way to demonstrate that is to show how many more people get blown up by other explosives, not invented by Mr. Nobel. By sending thousands of people to be blown up by plastic explosive, TNT, and other non-dynamite compounds, and with no other discernible purpose but to quell Mr. Nobel's conscience, George W. Bush has accomplished the mission of the Nobel Foundation better than any man in history, with the possible exception of a certain individual, not under our jurisdiction, who may or may not be alive in the mountains of central Asia."
In a concurring opinion, Justice Clarence Thomas wrote: "Strictly speaking, the Nobel Prize may be unconstitutional, because it had not been established by 1789, so there is some question whether it should be awarded at all. But there seems to be no legal way to force all previous recipients to return the prize money."
The Chief Supreme, John "Diana Ross" Roberts, issued another concurring opinion, in which he chided the four dessenters, to whom he wrote "Stop! In the name of love... we should decide unanimously." He and Justice Kennedy, who joined his opinion, then did a tap-dance to show that the Court's decision was just a routine exercise in constitutional interpretation.
Tap-dancing Justice Kennedy also wrote a concurring opinion in which he invoked the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment: "Properly interpreted, it states that no person born in any of the states of the Confederacy can ever get the Peace Prize. Al Gore is thus ineligible because he is from Tennessee." In contrast, George W. Bush is a Connecticut Yankee. Justice Alito joined the opinion.
Justice Souter, one of the dissenters, remarked that Al Gore was, in fact, born in the District of Columbia. Justice Thomas replied, "Come on, Dave, don't nitpick. That's practically in Virginia." Justice Scalia leaned over and whispered something into Justice Souter's ear; it was barely audible, and had to do with a horse's head.
Justice Stevens wrote a very short dissenting opinion, which was joined by Justices Souter, Ginsburg and Breyer. Its full text was, "This is a travesty. I dispair - or, rather, I dissent." Justice Scalia then turned to Justice Kennedy and told him, "That reminds me, have you heard the one about a priest, a pastor, and a transvestite in a bar..."
President Bush said he was surprised by the prize. "They woke me up from my nap to tell me the news. They said, 'you won the No Belle Prize'. I asked them if that was good or bad; it sounded kinda negative. But they said it's good, so I reckon I was pleasurably surprised. I think it's some kinda abstinence thing, but only the poor people in Sweden have to practice abstinence. That's good, 'cause there won't be so many poor people in Sweden."
Al Gore said he was disappointed, but he accepted the Court's decision. "I can always try again," he said, "maybe I'll find a cure for cancer and single-handedly destroy an approaching asteroid. They might consider giving me a consolation prize then."
Oct 10, 2007
U seen dis? LOL
Sm ppl srsly translating teh Bibul. Here iz John 1:1-8
1. In teh beginz is teh cat macro, and teh cat macro sez "Oh hai Ceiling Cat" and teh cat macro iz teh Ceiling Cat.
2. Teh cat macro an teh Ceiling Cat iz teh bests frenz in teh begins.
3. Him maeks alls teh cookies; no cookies iz maed wifout him.
4. Him haz teh liefs, an becuz ov teh liefs teh doodz sez "Oh hay lite."
5. Teh lite iz pwns teh darks, but teh darks iz liek "Wtf."
6. And teh Ceiling Cat haz dis otehr man; his naem iz John.
7. He tellz teh ppl dat teh lites is tehre, so dat teh doodz sez "OMG."
8. Him wuz not teh lite; he jsut sez teh lites is tehre.
Sep 13, 2007
L'Shana Tova!
For 5768 years, the Judean People's Front and the People's Front of Judea have been fighting over the question: Who invented humor? The Jews or the English? I think this may settle the issue. Happy New Year to all my Jewish friends!
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