Can You Say That Again?

Did you say "Jefferson Davis Beauregard Secession the Turd"?

Manifesto of the Commonwealth Party

A Specter is haunting America...

There is a God, and He is a pot-smoking Canadian

I was browsing Amazon's MP3 store while my docked iPod was playing in the background, set on Shuffle, as usual. Among Amazon's new MP3 releases, I noticed this Neil Young album and, just as I clicked on it, a new song started on the iPod - Neil Young's "Helpless".

Now, I have almost 7,000 songs on my iPod, and some 30-40 of those are Neil Young's; that makes the probability of a randomly chosen song being his about half a percent. But I am not talking about a song that just happened to be playing at the time; the song started within a second - or maybe two, to be generous - of my clicking on the album link. If an average song is a little over 3 minutes long, a 2 seconds window is just 1% of that time, making the odds of this event about 20,000 to 1.

In the tradition as old as mankind, that can only be explained as a supernatural intervention.

TAKS and KKK effects

The TAKS effect: Every state that starts with "T", "A", "K" or "S" voted for McCain. There are 10 such states and they comprise 98 electoral votes. McCain won those states' popular vote by a margin of 14%.

Eliminate TAKS, and the rest of the country voted for Obama by a 10% margin (compared to the 6% for the whole country). The electoral vote count is 349-64 (with 27 yet to be determined).

The KKK effect: Every state with a "K" in its name voted for McCain. There are 8 such states and they have 41 electoral votes; McCain has won 40, while one from Nebraska is still uncertain. McCain won those states by 19%.

Eliminate KKK, and the rest of the country voted for Obama by an 8% margin, with the electoral vote count is 349-122 (with 26 yet to be determined).

Eliminate both TAKS and KKK, and Obama wins by 11% and 349-50 electoral votes (with 26 pending). Additionally, the 55-40 advantage in the Senate becomes 49-21, and the 245-157 advantage in the House becomes 219-121. (Pending seats not counted.)

Well, Mr. President, you may say there are no red states and blue states, but there sure are TAKS states and KKK states, and they don't like you very much. The rest of the country looks pretty normal.

UPDATE (many months later): Oops, not every state with a "K" voted for McCain. Thanks to Samer for correcting me.

Deep thought

Does Bill Clinton still count as the first black president?

All day long I'd biddy biddy bum if I were a wealthy man

Can somebody explain to me how it makes any sense that Congress is receding for Rosh Hashana? All last week, including the weekends, solving the financial crisis was a matter of utmost urgency, but now it can wait till Thursday? We are suspending the crisis so that Barney Frank can eat apples and honey? That's just nuts.

I guess all we can do in the meantime is pray:

Dear God, you made many, many poor people.
I realize, of course, that it's no shame to be poor.
But it's no great honor either!
So, what would have been so terrible if I had a small fortune?

If I were a rich man,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I'd biddy biddy bum.
If I were a wealthy man.
I wouldn't have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy biddy rich,
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle man...

The economy is as precarious as a fiddler on the roof. May God save the United Shtetl of Anatevka!

Outdoorsy Palin

Aaaah, that Palin! Jawohl, jawohl:

I am only an elected official, I can't make decisions by myself

The Maverick has some responsible adults telling him what to do:

Someone in Mr. McCain’s entourage — typically Nicolle Wallace, a Schmidt ally and a veteran of Mr. Bush’s 2004 campaign and White House who recently joined the campaign as a traveling senior adviser — is given the responsibility of making sure Mr. McCain agrees to the message and tries to stick to it.

Where have we seen that before? Aha:

The two rotating faces are fitting, too.

Better than watching a stoning

Yesterday I went to a performance of Eric Idle's Not the Messiah (He's a Very Naughty Boy). Highly recommended, but if you are a Monty Python fan, of course you already know that, and if you are not, you probably stopped reading after the first sentence. It seems eerily appropriate that I had this religious experience on the same day I learned of Pontius "PZ" Myers' nailing of the cracker-man-God to a very dead tree splattered with ink.

But I worry... What if PZ made a mistake and crucified the wrong cracker, one that's the Body of Brian? I don't care if Brian was a very naughty boy, but hasn't he had enough painful deaths already? Wouldn't it render PZ's sacrilege, like, pointless? Wouldn't it invite death threats from the Judean People's Front People's Front of Judea? Was it irresponsible of PZ not to think of such unintended consequences? (On the bright side, PZ would then be known as Biggus Dickus.)

Oh my Kenny! They killed God!

God is dead. PZ Myers killed him. The whole story was bananas from the beginning, so it is apt that it ends with a banana peel:
We have a confession, certainly enough to burn PZ at the stake:

I know some of you have proposed intricate plans for how to do horrible things to these crackers, but I repeat…it's just a cracker. I wasn't going to make any major investment of time, money, or effort in treating these dabs of unpleasantness as they deserve, because all they deserve is casual disposal. However, inspired by an old woodcut of Jews stabbing the host, I thought of a simple, quick thing to do: I pierced it with a rusty nail (I hope Jesus's tetanus shots are up to date). And then I simply threw it in the trash, followed by the classic, decorative items of trash cans everywhere, old coffeegrounds and a banana peel.

And what are those books there? I think the Qur'an is there by popular demand of self-proclaimed Christians who were urging PZ to desecrate the Muslim book instead. Let's hear PZ again:

By the way, I didn't want to single out just the cracker, so I nailed it to a few ripped-out pages from the Qur'an and The God Delusion. They are just paper. Nothing must be held sacred.

I hope PZ's next trash pickup is before the third day; I don't want a holey cracker to rise from his trash can and walk around his house. (Actually, there is no such risk, according to authoritative sources: If the Host has become moldy or the contents of the Chalice sour, Christ has discontinued His Presence therein. Undoubtedly, the cracker, wet from the coffee grounds, will soon catch mold, and then, ladies and gentlemen, Jesus has left the building.)

Rail grammar

The announcement at my commuter train stop yesterday:

Train 332 bound for Union Station is delayed 15 minutes due to heavy passenger travel.

I've seen some heavy passengers on the train, but I thought the engine was strong enough to haul them at normal speed.

Lesbians are from Lesbos... and everywhere else

Those activist librul judges:

ATHENS (Reuters) - A Greek court has dismissed a request by residents of the Aegean island of Lesbos to ban the use of the word lesbian to describe gay women, according to a court ruling made public on Tuesday.

This world must be going to Hell! What will they say next?

That residents of Czech Republic may not forbid socially unconventional people to call themselves "bohemian"?
That residents of India may not outlaw the name "Indian" for Native Americans?
That residents of Holland may not withhold the phrase "Dutch treat"?
That residents of Russia may not kill the phrase "Russian roulette"?
That residents of Germany may not stifle "German measles"?
That residents of France may not censor "French kiss"?
That residents of Thailand may not enjoin "Siamese twins"?
That residents of Scotland may not stick it to "Scotch tape"?
Even that residents of Turkey may not dicree what we gobble for Thanksgiving meal?

Now if only the Greeks realized that it is not their prerogative to tell another nation that it may not call itself "Macedonia"...